I’ve been thinking about death for the past 5 years and sometimes I do believe that dying is the better option. But sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, seeing the beautiful blue serene color of sky, listening to birds or wind, I doubt that life is useless. There’s something about life that makes you believe that some things still have value.
Life is what you find when you don’t have any other means of doubt. Maybe it’s sounds cliche but it what save me from suicide for years. It was a time when I was enjoying a green rice field, or when I saw a beautiful stream near my home. Jogja give you a place to be at peace with yourself, content with whatever you have right now.
When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I felt numb. Like maybe this is it? I will die with a disease that kills my grandmother. I was calm and didn’t fear anything. Like believing death is a natural thing. It’s different from when I broke up with my girlfriend, or when I lost my job. I tend to believe that I will live for a long time. Diabetes made me realize that my time is limited and I should enjoy what I have.
Death is just like an old friend. We met them a long time ago, we have been separated since birth, and maybe if we are lucky enough, we will meet them again early in life. But some of us will not meet Death not until we grow old, when disease eats away our lifeforce, we are weak, and death is the only consolation we have in our pitiful life.
I have enough in life. I enjoy good food, good love, good friends, good time, and I have no regrets. Sure I made mistakes along the way, but I learnt from it, made myself better, and apologized to those I’ve hurt in life. I learn to be gracious towards life for making me a better person from those mistakes.
What we believe in life will shape our ways of thinking. For a long time, losing my ex made me believe that I don’t have good things in my life, when in fact I just can’t appreciate what I have. It was a day after I got out of the hospital. When I got home, I realized how many books I haven’t read, how many albums I didn’t get a chance to enjoy, and so much food that I can’t taste because of diabetes. Rather than grieving, I’m trying to find the meaning of this lesson.
Today after a long meeting I was crying so hard. Listening to Neck Deep, and how I never appreciate my life before. How hard this diabetes hit me, and how I have so much regret in life. Crying is good thing, is like helping your body to be more relax, but now I really afraid of death, of leaving my loved one because of this disease. But among fear, among helplessness, I still find hope. I will survive this.
Diabetes gives me a chance to love myself more. Sure I need to work out, lose weight, change my diet, and live better. But I’d rather do this hard work than dying anyway.
