It was a day after you want to break up with me and part of me thinks that you actually didn’t want me. I told myself that “I think you must hate me, I picture you are seeing my name when I text you and being tired because I’m so annoying”. Maybe because I think didn’t deserve to be loved.
The fear of abandonment, the insecurity, the fear that someone you love hated your life is just living hell. I fear that you see me as a burden, after years of rejection, and self hatred, I make myself believe that I unlovable. Funny how failed relationship can make you hate yourself.
What kind of hell and punishment is it, when all you do is loving someone so openly just for them to passively reply your text, or just showing no interest in your existence. And gradually you believe in your own lies. You’re monster that incapable of love.
I hate myself for surrendering to my own trauma. My own fear, that when you said you want to break up, my head filled with panic attack. I was suffocating and I just want to hurt myself again.
Some people talks about how hard it is to love again after having trauma. But barely talks about how hard it is to believe in yourself, to believe that you deserve to be loved. It’s hard to love again after your trauma was undermined and invalidated by someone you love.
So fragile are bodies
So concave, work in
Self-destructive ways
I realized sometimes my fear, my trauma, my self hatred, makes me believe that I am too damaged and broken to love, justifying any perceived failure to love me as not only natural, but righteous, that I never considered how it feels to love someone.
Sometimes deep in my pain, when I cut myself, I picture myself as insignificant being. How the world will still be here, even after I long gone. I just wanted to be loved, to be understood. A year ago I had no loving thoughts. Everything about life is just miserable as it is.
But you help me navigate my feelings. You understand my trauma. And above all, you love me for all the mistakes I did in the past. So I think, despite the pain I had, maybe some relationships are meant to be over and it’s okay to move on. Thank you for not mocking my trauma, my fear, and my restlessness.
Now I believe in new love. You make me believe that I have hope. Every day I get up and try to convince myself that I deserve to be alive and that I am a decent person. How you treat me, it’s love. Sometimes I feel like I might be worth it, I might even deserve it.
