It was a brief encounter. Like a summer breeze. A gentle wind. And sometimes, if you are lucky enough, you will find her in line between sky and land when the sun rises.
I miss her like we used to know each other a lot. But in fact, we are just two strangers who meet on the screen. Not good enough to be acquainted, will never be friends, and certainly not a lover. But I do hope you are doing well.
Unmatching, leaving people, fear, and rejections sucks. Modern romance is hard. I’ve been told that dating apps are just another school yard, filled with bullies who hate you and secretly judge what you wear and only talk to you just to make jokes about you with their friends.
But I was lonely. I still am. I try to look okay but secretly I get really nervous every time someone gets close enough to hear me breathe. What if I sweat a lot? What if I smell bad? I have this odd fascination with things like broken mirrors and gray clouds. I believe it’s because I usually find myself dedicating time to things incomplete and far away.
I always remember what Rudy Francisco said about falling in love. Maybe that’s also the reason why I tend to fall in love with women who would never even know that I exist. But she burns my passion like the sun. Like hot coal inside a moving train. But not enough to make me do stupid things. Or maybe because I’m not brave enough?
Jogja is raining during midnight. I wonder if you felt the rain and looked up at the falling tears, hoping you’re looking too. But what if we meet? I know it sounds crazy, but it’s actually much easier than it seems. We are just two strangers and don’t know each other. And to be honest, I think it’s safer that way.
I knew what I wanted but never what I needed, so it came as the worst kind of surprise when I couldn’t bear seeing you gone and stop talking to me. But when it happened, and I let you go, I had to. And now it’s too late to take back what I never said to you.
Sometimes I find myself wishing I would’ve had the courage to be honest with myself. I want you and I want to be with you. I knew the second I talk with you. I don’t know what I knew, but I knew it if we just two lost soul and I’ve never been more sure of anything.
Some of my relationships end because I have too much expectation for their role in our life. And being a coward, telling my trauma always reminds me that I’m afraid of heights or snakes. I’m scared if they leave me or how their toxic behavior will finally kill me. And for that reason I want us to meet and never see each other again.
