A week ago I got demoted. I used to be manager and now staff writer. At first it shakes me to the core. I felt like being crushed by a thousand truck and cannot breath properly. But as days goes by. The pain, the void, the long lasting tightness, and the pressure in my chest are getting better.
It was until two days ago I got panic attack. I fear the unknown. I felt like the world is crumble and everything I have right now is insignificant. It getting worst after I remember last year, when I lost my job. Then suddenly it hurts to breathe. Just before, I was breathing fine, my chest didn’t hurt, but then the next, it hurts so bad and I can’t breathe.
But why I feel that way? What’s happened to me? I find so hard to cope my feelings rather than accepting that I made mistakes and got demoted. There’s ego within me that believe I have do anything in my power to be better. I had done nothing wrong and I deserve respect and walk out from this job. But I’m afraid that I might never work again.
My depression got the best of me. It takes night after night of myself.I’m so tired. It feels like my brain is still work even when I’m sleep. My heart beat so fast, like pitch black night all wrapped up together with sadness and swallowed me. I have neither motivation nor interest in the world around me. I find myself sitting and staring off into space, no clue if I’m even thinking.
This feelings, for two days, made me feel so sad. It makes me want to push everything away and stay invisible until the bad stuff is over. It’s funny because the day I got demoted, I feel numb. I have no feelings over anything. It’s like I don’t grieve at all. The weird thing about having depression is sometimes you don’t feel sad anymore. You just go long periods where you don’t feel anything then have panic attack and anxiety that crippled you.
I put pride on my works. I great deal on my writing. It’s not easy to realize you’re not at your best, but I do, and I’m taking a step back. I feel like being demoted get me time to learn appreciate things more.I don’t want to take and push myself to be happy.
My writing getting dull and it’s contributing less motivation for me. But I’m not quitting, I still believe in my works. Good things are coming soon and it’ll make the depression go away for a short time at least. Even after all the pain, the void, depression, I’m still having power to recover from heartbreak and trust issues. I’ll be better
